What my anxiety looks like

Anxiety is when your feelings think for you.
Its shaking looking at your phone petrified of responding.
Its rambling on and on and on until no one understands what you're trying to say anymore.
Its loving everyone so much but being so scared of hurting all of them.
Its hiding in a corner at work to catch your breath to keep yourself from breaking.
Its crying in the bathroom silently into your jacket so no one hears you.
Its looking in the mirror after, wiping the tears, and practicing your best "i'm happy" look.
Its not wanting to go to bed because you dont want to wake up.
Its being afraid to ask for the promotion, or raise.
Its physically shaking while speaking clearly to your coworkers.
Its mentally breaking while working a 12 hour shift.
Its rocking yourself on the bathroom floor for hours until you stop crying.
Its fighitng with yourself.
Its fighting how you feel.
Its fighting how you think.
Its knowing you are over reacting but not being able to stop yourself.
Its exploding on a friend because everything else is weighing on you so heavily.
Its pushing away your friends because you love them.
Its missing a party because you know if you cant look yourself in the mirror you cant face others.
Its barely getting through each day.
Its weeks passing by without talking to your parents and making them worry.
Its not about just being scared.
Its about being completely and utterly terrified of each and every day.
Its checking your bank account 4 different times before spending over $100.
Its creating a conversation in your head before it happens.
Its being upset when that conversation doesn't go how you planned.
Its internally screaming at yourself to stop.
Its trying to calm yourself down while hyperventilating in the shower.
Its loving someone so much but choosing they'd be better off without you.
its everything.
Its everywhere.
Its in your mind, in-front of your eyes, and in each and every dream.
Its having your stomach drop when plans change.
Its not knowing how to handle change because you didn't prepare yourself for it hours in advance.
Its thinking you're crazy but knowing you're not.
Its wanting to cave under the pressure but exploding instead.
Its anger and crying at yourself.
Its hating how you're acting but not being able to stop yourself.
Its fear.
Its every little fear you could imagine every single day 24 hours a day.
Its constantly expecting the world to end because of any little thing.
Its blaming yourself when things don't go as planned.
Its being afraid of loss when you haven't lost anything.
Its taking something someone said wrong and thinking about it for days.
Its eating yourself alive from the inside out but looking like you have it all together to everyone else.

I Just Want My Bestfriend Back

So my best friend recently moved about an hour away, which isn't that far especially now that i have a car. And when she first moved i went and saw her all the time. Then school started and i started working, but i still saw her often. Then she got a girlfriend. And this is her first relationship and i was happy for her. But i basically lost my best friend. We used to just call each other and face time just to rant and talk about life. Now i maybe talk to her once a month and its never for very long because shes always with her girlfriend. And whenever i try and call her just to talk shes always with her girlfriend and i feel like shes not even my friend anymore. I can't talk to her, she doesn't talk to me. I like her and her new girlfriend but its like i mean nothing to her anymore if i can simply be replaced by her new girlfriend. Ive been friends with her for 5 going on 6 years and we've been best friends for that long and now i feel like shes a stranger. I don't know her anymore. I've been in relationships before where i put my friends aside and didn't treat them well. But i still at least talked to them. Now the only time she starts up a conversation is if she needs something. It just sucks because she was my one go to friend. The one that always had my back that i could always go talk to or hang out with and now i mean i still have friends, but not a best friend like she was. And i feel so alone. I have a boyfriend the same one Ive had for 3 years and he's my best friend but its not the same as a girl best friend cause guys don't understand all the same things. And its hard going from seeing or talking to someone all the time for years and then within a few months just nothing. She wont talk to me anymore. She wont tell me anything. Its just small talk now. And now that everyone is a senior and were all about to go off to college and leave i feel like i have no time to get her back as a friend. Because by the time i do it'll be too late and all the time we had to hang out all the time and enjoy being young and worry free will be gone.

Balance

The heart is a dangerous thing to follow.

As is your brain.

They go hand in hand.

Your brain is always telling you to keep going,

But sometimes it keeps you from going for what you really want.

Your heart as well.

Sometimes your heart screams for you to end the pain.

But your brain, it knows better.

It knows that there's always a better day in the future,

and if you follow that, it keeps you going.

But sometimes your brain stops you.

And you scare yourself with the "What Ifs" in life.

You're too afraid to go for it.

But your heart, well it says go head first into it,

we'll see what the consequences are when we get there.

You see , life is non-existent without the co-existing balance of your heart and brain.

You'll come to your own painful, pitiful death if you only follow your heart.

And if you only follow your brain, you'll be too afraid to live.

Although yes you will be alive, you won't really be living.

Like a hollow shell, nothing.

The heart and brain, they're like lovers.

They balance one another out.

Ironic isn't it?

Without the heart, the brain and soul are empty.

Without the brain, the heart self destructs.

And that's just the way it is.

Don't Do Drugs Kids

So, lets talk about Pot. Simple no harm drug that even has its benefits, right? That's true, in some cases, but there are those other cases where pot takes over entirely. Now some of you may think oh pot isn't an addictive drug, but its addictive if your an addictive person. Like my brother. Life is hell around here because of him. People who do drugs are too blind to see the other side of things. To realize how it effects the people who are just plain bi standers to their loved ones self destruction. Do you know what its like to come home to a hostile environment almost every night. Or to have to hide in your room to get away from the yelling? Even though it doesn't involve me almost 100% of the time, it still effects me. I choose not to bring friends over to this disaster zone. I hate being home and on weekends, your lucky if you find me home. See my brother is a Jr. has no credits and currently a drop out even though hes constantly telling my mom and dad how he wants to go to school, then as soon as they get him enrolled somewhere he refuses to go because he doesn't want to get up in the morning because he snuck out the night before and hadn't slept. Or what about being in Juvi a few days before Christmas, oh and then running away the week before thanksgiving, Oh yeah and the night of Halloween. And guess what guys, hes been tested, hes only ever done pot. So how is it that a no harm drug is causing a family to break apart. To cause a 16 year old boy to drop out. And I'm not hating on pot, hell i think it should be legal, but i think there should be limitations and that people should pass a psychiatric test before being able to use it so stuff like this doesn't happen. So that family won't have to go through the kind of hell i have to go through on a day to day basis. If you guys are thinking, your brothers just stupid, yeah i agree entirely. He is stupid. But pot doesn't help. And I'm not one of those teens that because my family life sucks ass I'm screwing up in school. I currently have all A's and I'm a Freshman. I know I'm complaining but, i just want people to know how its like to be on the other side of things. To be the one who has to sit there and watched someone they grew up with and love ruin their lives and dig themselves deeper and deeper into a bottomless pit each day. Life sucks, but hey, what doesn't kill me makes me stronger, right?

Daddy's Little Girl

I have a dad, which yeah i know almost everyone does. But i have a real dad. (No offense) He's protective, loving, and there for me. I can honestly say, none of my friends know how that really feels. To have a dad, you see everyday, and that you love and just want to be proud of you, but hates every boy you ever talk about, speak to, or even look at. To feel shut out every time a boy even comes into the topic. To feel like he's ashamed of you. It makes me afraid to ever date. I want his approval, I'm 14, and a daddy's little girl. But no matter what, no boy will ever be good enough for "Daddy's little girl". I know i sound like a whiny teenager who should be happy that i have a dad who cares. And i know i am lucky. But i can't help but see every guy in my dad's eyes, thinking "Hm? what would my dad say about him?" and if i knew he wouldn't approve, i wouldn't go for the guy. It's like, i can't even go after who i want because if i want the guy, but my dad doesn't like him, there's no point in trying, cause my dad can make it so i can't see that boy or at least make it difficult. Why can't i find somebody good enough for him?

I know most people are thinking, who cares what your dad thinks, it's your life. Your dad doesn't choose who you marry, or dates you. And again i know that. But i want him to be proud of me, i don't want to disappoint him. I know i should learn to just "Get over it" but, its hard. When I'm dating someone i feel like nothing i do is good enough. He's never good enough. and i hate it. It makes it stressful for me to date them. It makes me not want to because its so stressful for me, even if its not their fault.

None of my friends get this, they all have dad's who aren't there or who barely are around. My dad's there every second of every day and knows what i'm doing and who i'm hanging out with 24/7. I can't just ignore his opinion. Its always there. I can't hide, because its right out the door.

Sometimes being "Daddy's little girl" isn't always as great as people make it out to be. So you may not have a dad, but consider yourself lucky. There's a good side to everything, and also a down side. No matter the reality, as humans we tend to focus on the down side of things when they're happening to us. If were in the situation, its always easier to see that bad side of things, because they cause the most emotional stress. Which is what you'll remember the most. Funny how humans work, isn't it?

Backwards Climax Called Life

Depression Hits

The darkness so thick

Silly i know,

That's life isn't it?

Suffering and pain.

But where there is pain

There is love

Where there is suffering

joy is not far behind.

Sometimes rock bottom is where we need to be.

It's like a backwards climax

It's not "Rising action" that we start with

It's falling, painful action.

One hit after another

Seems like no end

But there is.

We rise from the backwards climax.

We realize life, is just that.

Backwards.

But that's just life isn't it?

pain and suffering.

What we gotta learn is to love everything about life.

We just gotta love.

Dreams Becoming Reality

"I'm sorry to tell you this, but becoming a director is really unrealistic."

Yeah well if i really want it who says i cant work my ass off to get it. Anything is possible. Its called a dream not reality. There's a difference. And why cant dreams become reality? How do we know reality isn’t a dream? We can alter our reality any way we want just like a dream. So really whats the difference between reality and a dream? Is it the fact that a dream there is no obstacles you will face? Because I find it hard to dream and it become harder the older I get to dream big because there’s so many people out there who are major realists and don’t dream big. Well I don’t know about you but they’re my dreams. If you don’t support them then fine, But don’t sit there telling me not to even try. Because if I really want something its worth fighting for. I would be willing to fight for the life of another so why not fight for the happiness of my life? What is the point of life if you aren’t bold and try new things. If you don’t try to achieve the impossible? That’s not life. That like a blank piece of paper. Boring, plain, and you’re not in control of what happens to that paper next. I am in control of my life. I am the author of my book, the creator of my life story. So please explain to me, the difference between Dreams, and reality because I believe that my dreams will become my reality. The difference between those opposites will no longer be differences, I will find the connection and make them both the same. I will make my Dreams, MY Reality.

-Kara Anne